2012 – Musings and whinings

Now if there was one movie I was asked to recreate, it’d be 2012. I’ve been working on the Google Earth API for some time now, and all the stuff I’ve come across – zoom ins to historical spots, topographical maps, skies, day-night effects, sunlight-on-surfaces effects – is majorly the essence of this movie.

I have no excuse for watching this movie apart from acute boredom.

So the movie opens in a copper mine in India. Everyone in India wears turbans, including taxi drivers, everyone has a manservant, the women are all pretty and the men are either servile or nerdy. And everyone speaks English in an Apu-from-Simpsons-esque accent, with the phrase ‘my friend’ liberally littering their speech. And the names and places are imaginary… never in history have more nonsense words been invented in relation to India since Herge talked of the Maharaja of Gaipajama.

Jimmy Mistry is the Indian geologist who has discovered that solar flares are causing neutrinos or something like that, due to which the core will collapse and the crust caves in. He looks like a dad in an Asian Paints ad, with a wife and son to match. He also has very bad Hindi.

So black guy listens to this brown guy and gets freaked like crazy. Next person shocked is random white guy, who in turn shocks random black guy, who turns out to be President of the United States. Who freaks out other Heads of State.Who all jointly decide not to freak out the rest of the world.

And so random people end up getting killed, including the curator of the Louvre.

Nah, the story is getting too much into detail here. There isn’t that much of it to merit that. I’ll quickly summarize the rest of it.

As usual, there’s this broken-ish American home at the centre of the whole thing. Next time there’s a problem in my relationship, I’ll just pray hard for an earthquake/tsunami/terroristAttack/shootout/hostageCrisis which will magically make everything alright by killing off irritant sideRomanticInterests who might be direct competition for one or both of the main characters.

Oh, and how many people miraculously die when their part in the movie gets over. How many miraculously appear when you need them.  You need a plane. Magically, there’s a pilot with a plane there. But you don’t want the pilot in the movie. So he dies in the earthquake. And they all suddenly remember “Gordon’s a pilot!”. And then you need a bigger plane to fly to China. Magically a rich Russian materializes with a big plane and experienced pilot to fly to China with. And he needs a co-pilot, so Gordon and gang are on. Then they hit China, and Sasha, the Russian pilot with the awfully exotic accent dies. Needless to mention, I was most sorry to see him go.  Gordon the boyfriend becomes a thorn in the side once Hero and his ex-wife realize they still want to be together, so he dies in a freak accident.Hand of God? This God can only be a multi-limbed Hindu God.

But no, they have to be politically correct, and the teachings of the Booda (that’s what they call him in this country anyway) are in vogue, so you have a Tibetan monk explaining things by means of tea and teacups.

And then the movie gets more preachy, moralistic and stereotyped than a movie with Nirupa Roy. Family matters. Family. Family. Mother-father-kids. Family. Togetherness. Black-White Bhai-Bhai. Why don’t we listen to our hearts? And so on and so forth. Everyone ends up with a family or dead. Just like we have the whole mangalsutra sentiment, the wedding ring sentiment is coming up in Hollywood. Soon.

And a million subplots all ending by death of one or all of the parties concerned. The rate of death ending stories was so much, it reminded me of this post of Arjun’s.

What I was mildly irritated with was that they went through all the trouble of inventing names of Indian places, and when they showed an AngelaMerkel-esque German Head-of-State, and Queen Elizabeth and her dogs, couldn’t they, couldn’t they just show some random guy in a sherwani and say or atleast hint that he’s the Indian Head-of-State? One-sixth of humanity, folks, one-sixth of humanity. (One of my friends theorized that the Italian PM chooses to stay back in the Vatican and not join in the whole Noah’s Ark business because the Indian HoS was sufficient to represent both countries).

What I would have also preferred was that the who’s who of the world was supposed to be in the Ark, so couldn’t they have spent four minutes parodying, say, Bill Gates, Murdoch, Stephen Hawking, Paris Hilton, Donald Trump, Paul McCartney, Al Gore?

All in all, a Bollywood movie masquerading as a Hollywood one. Nice SFX, though. I’d like some posters of the movie.

And… I finally solved the mystery of why Hollywood movies are rather short, just over an hour – they don’t have the concept of ‘interval’. This movie was two and a half hours long, and no interval. Pretty evil, evil on the bladders of the audience.

About wanderlust

just your average books-and-music person who wants to change the world.
This entry was posted in Attempts at Humour, movies, Review and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to 2012 – Musings and whinings

  1. adb says:

    After watching the movie, I realised that the title “We were warned” on the poster had to be taken quite literally! How I wish I had taken the warning before watching the movie.


  2. Srikanth says:

    Glad I read this piece. When I saw a “2012” poster a few weeks ago, I thought, “hmm.. interesting… should probably watch this one.” Now I know how not to waste 2.5 hours and to take care of my bladder. 🙂

  3. buddy says:

    I agree, Hollywood has no respect for bladders
    funny post!

  4. maxdavinci says:

    I was so hoping that they would start doing a jai santhoshi ma sequence and the floods are quelled.

    actuallyt hat’s the only thing missing for a bollywwod adaptation!

    • wanderlust says:

      a better thing would be people of different faiths in different arks praying in their own styles and the waters receding. but of course, atheists might say wtf, so we can have some scientific explanation… something about a 10% chance of this happening… some combination of eclipses, sea monsters and other things.

  5. KVM says:

    Maharaja of Gaipajama +1

  6. I had to choose between going for this movie tonight (tickets already booked) and doing this other exciting thing. I chose the latter because I remembered this review. Ticket-money down the drain. But I’m hoping I wont regret that 😛

  7. Liberal says:

    Echoed a lot of my sentiments exactly! The movie was an assault on common sense. I think sometimes Americans are in denial about India’s progress and that’s why they need to watch movies like Slumdog, or portray India as they did in 2012. Jimi Mistry’s hindi sound awful. The movie itself is a cheesy feelgood at the end kinda flick. Pointless…wasted $12!

  8. dhaneesh says:

    As they say!!bad things happen to good people….ME-good people..MOVIE(2012)-bad thing…yup i watched it…i felt a sense of deja vu after seeing the movie(same end of the world…independence day), really mr Emmerich..grow up from the cataclysmic events crap..movie sucks to the core(without the displacement)..

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