There were a lot of things that weren’t clicking for me in 2010. I think I was on pretty much a colossal downward spiral before the New Year hit, and I decided enough was enough and decided to pull my socks up. And probably take pre-emptive measures.
I keep going into these phases, and I realize there is no Permanent Solution. I also realize everyone and his brother go through these things, only, not everyone chooses to talk about these things.
But looking back, my downward spirals now are for reasons completely different from the ones that would drive me to desperation two or three years back, and I find that a very significant improvement. My set of downward spiral behaviours have significantly changed as well, and I’m glad for that. What hasn’t changed is that paralyzing feeling of falling further and further into an abyss when things go terribly wrong.
So I tell myself, nothing’s going to change those tendencies my brain seems to be wired into feeling. The best I can do is be aware of myself and my behaviours and let go a little here, be strict a little there.
Feeling low is our system’s natural response to unhospitable conditions, and its manifestation in the form of not wanting to make conversation or pay attention to everyday matters like food, cleanliness, relationships, etc just serve to make you look inward and solve your problems and make the world a better place for you to live in. I think I should embrace that, and accelerate the processes that are involved in dealing with issues in a way that’ll help me more than hurt me. That, I’ll advise anyone who asks, is way better than trying to distract yourself from whatever’s bothering you or thinking happy thoughts so that your feeling of depression will go away. Positive thinking and stuff is useful in some aspects, but depression too serves its own purposes. It would be foolish to ignore this natural instinct of ours, which comes up to tell us that something’s wrong and we need to do something about it.
In times of crisis, we can descend to chaos, and this is where the conformist in me helps a lot, because structure and routine are things that help you bring a semblance of normality into your thinking and don’t let you fall into so many pieces that it’s hard to pull yourself together later on. And, those things also prevent you from doing crazy stuff you’ll later only regret.
So, yeah, things haven’t magically worked out for me. They might work out magically, I’ll be glad if they did, but I don’t think I should depend on that. And I’m not pretending things have worked out. All that’s changed between a week ago and now is that all my inward-looking paid off and now I’m trying to act on whatever I thought of. It’s not going to be easy, it’s not going to be perfect, it might not even work. But, the number of drafts on this blog are increasing, my grocery bills are shooting up, I swipe my bus pass a lot more, and my mind is filling with everyday worries – how can I manage to get my hands on that dataset, why is this bit of code giving trouble, damn that’s my joke they plagiarized, where the heck is my laundry card, god I’ve forgotten the Charleston… and I guess with these indications, I can say with increasing confidence that I’m back.